Gerard sat by the bed, his hand gripping that of the small man lying upon it. He stared at him, and felt tears appear in his eyes. Frank didn’t deserve this. The skin that was so white that it was paler than Gerard’s own, that clung to his bones and was so frail and thin that it looked like it was made of paper deserved to be healthy and flushed. He deserved to be at home in comfort, not lying on a hospital bed, sedated. His breathing was shallow and his chest seemed to shake every time it rose. His veins were raised and garishly blue through his translucent skin. His hair looked flat and lifeless, falling lankly to frame his face. Gerard rubbed circles on the back of Frank’s hand with his thumb, wondering if Frank could feel it. He suppressed the tears that tried to roll down his cheeks and bit down on his lower lip.

Frank had been in and out of hospitals for over 10 years, and Gerard had always been by his side. He had driven Frank around; pushed his wheelchair; cooked his food; held his hand in the waiting room; been there whenever he woke up from an anaesthetic and generally hung around his hospitals a lot. Without Gerard, Frank would be dead. His kidneys had always been weak but after an excessive amount of binge drinking in his late teen years they had collapsed and had had to have been removed. His rare blood type had meant a 9 years wait for a transplant. Unable to walk for 9 whole years, he had depended on Gerard more than he had on his mother during childhood.

When the doctors had finally found a kidney suitable for him, Gerard had cried. The tears poured out of him all night. He had crawled into bed and turned the light off. Frank held him, as his body shook, racked with sobs, and wondered why he was crying. The tears had been for all the pain had been through in the last 9 years, the unfairness that it had happened to someone so good and young. He had cried with joy for the new hope in Frank’s life, the fact that if this operation went according to plan, he would be able to walk and do things independently. But also for pure grief, knowing that Frank would never be able to function 100% and that they would never be able to be a normal couple. But he knew Frank was worth it, he loved him too much for it to be anything else.

After the operation Frank was a new man. His eyes shone with happiness and he felt like an iron weight had been lifted from him. While he still had to be heavily prescribed to reduce his immune system’s functions so that his body would not reject the new organ, rendering him much more delicate than others and more liable to illness, life was so much better. Trips to hospitals were still fairly regular but no where near as common as in the past nine years. They took walks in the sunshine hand in hand and were even planning on a trip to Italy to celebrate Frank’s 27^th birthday.

But then Frank caught an infection. Most people would have been able to shrug it off, their bodies capable of easily dealing with such illnesses, but not Frank. His immune system was so suppressed that he needed antibiotics. And then it all fell apart. He progressively got worse, and a trip to hospital showed to doctors that the antibiotics were meddling with his medication. His immune system was re-activating and he would have to stay in the ward. Gerard kept his cool, he stayed by his sedated boyfriend’s side almost 24/7. Even though Frank couldn’t see him, Gerard never let himself break down in his presence. Every night he went home and cried himself to sleep.

One night, two weeks after Frank had been submitted, Gerard lay awake all night. His brain, which always work at 1000 miles per hour, refused to shut down. He tossed and turned, desperate to get comfortable. It was impossible, the bed was so empty without Frank’s warm body lying next to his own. He wept for what he could never have, he wept for Frank’s pain and he wept for what he knew was to come. For he had some idea what was happening. Frank was on his way out. And it tore Gerard up to realise this. Frank didn’t just rely upon Gerard, Gerard relied upon him too. He needed Frank. Frank was the one who kept him sane, who encouraged his art, who proof-read his writing and suggested improvements. Frank filled up so much of Gerard’s life, that he knew when Frank was gone it would be hollow. His soul ripped out and put in the ground.

The call came at 6am on that sleepless night. Frank had taken a turn for the worse after they took him off the respirator and they recommended Gerard come as quickly as possible. He slipped out of bed, into his dressing and walked out the front door. He didn’t care if the whole of New Jersey saw his Batman pyjamas, he just needed Frank to be ok. The car stuttered into life and half an hour later he was pulling up outside the hospital.

He was still sat next to the bed, rubbing circles onto the back of Frank’s hand and drinking the coffee a kind nurse had brought him when it happened. The rain which had arrived at the hospital with Gerard had been pelting the window for 3 and a half hours. Frank’s anaesthetic had been lessened, leaving him in a groggy, half-conscious state. Gerard, who missed the sound of his voice, hadn’t heard him speak since he arrived. It broke him up, he had always imagined himself dying with Frank, in some far-away place, his arms around him. He had envisioned kissing him goodbye, whispering ‘I love you’ into his ear. Frank shifted slightly, his eyes closed and the beeping of the heart monitor stopped.

Gerard froze, staring at Frank’s peaceful face. His insides knotted and his breathing became uneven. He slipped onto the bed, seating himself beside Frank and gripped his hand tighter.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I’m sorry you had to live that way; I’m sorry I couldn’t fix it.”

His vision blurred as the tears he finally allowed clung to his eyelashes. He cupped Frank’s face, the skin was still warm.

“Goodbye. I love you, more than you ever knew,” he leant forward and kissed the top of Frank’s head and inhaled his favourite scent for the last time.

The nurse who had given him coffee arrived a minute later, but left again when Gerard requested he be left alone. He stroked Frank’s hair and murmured all his plans for them in his ear. He told his boyfriend how he had a surprise planned for his 27^th birthday, that as well as going to Italy he wanted to buy him something extra-special but hadn’t known what to get. He told him how, before Frank’s kidneys gave in, he always thought of them travelling the world together and maybe even adopting when the time was right. He confessed to Frank how he had always wanted them to have a civil partnership, but how he had known that Frank was under enough stress and didn’t need any more, even if it was good news. He let all his regrets and innermost secrets come pouring out.

Mikey helped Gerard prepare for the funeral. He encouraged his older brother to choose a coffin, the right flowers and wrote more than half of the invitations out himself.

“Do you know what music Frank would’ve wanted?”

A small, sad smile twisted Gerard’s lips and fresh tears formed in his hazel eyes.

“I know exactly what he wanted.”